a few stolen moments for an Advent meditation

Peace. Quiet. Calm. Rare commodities in our house full of three month old twins. Yet commodities much less rare now than in the first few months. Three months really is a good marker as far as it getting easier to parent twins (just like all my friend said it would be).

And so I take these moments for an Advent meditation. What’s struck me this season is the vulnerability Jesus subjected himself to in becoming flesh and dwelling among us. Our daughters are completely dependent on us. Without our 24/7 attention, they would be unable to grow and thrive. And Jesus, the God of the entire universe, became like us. Started off at the same place: dependence. Utter dependence on the ones HE created. Allowing himself to be weak and helpless like the babies we gently cradle in our arms – the One who is the only source of life and breath and strength. Knowing better than we know ourselves the depth of our sin and weakness, Jesus willingly took on humanity beginning in infancy and entrusted himself to one of us. Knowing how the end of the story would turn out, he stepped down into our world so that he could rewrite the story of a broken humanity. Redeem us. Give us hope. Show us the glory of the only God.

Beginning as a baby. And so perhaps there is more glory and grace to be found in the faces of our little ones than we knew. For this is where Jesus’ fullness of glory began, too – clothed in the face of a child.

“And of his fullness, we have received grace upon grace.” (from John 1)

Hi, I’m a waitress to twins …

Being a mom to twins is like being a waitress in a very busy restaurant, known for its regular and often grumpy customers. If you have down time, you better be doing something because you never know exactly when you’ll get slammed with tables. And it’s like being a hostess at a restaurant trying to figure out which customer is more patient – and which is least likely to be ok with a long wait. You don’t always guess right. And you’re the one who suffers the most. And if you use down time as a chance to just veg out, you’ll be that much more insane later – and it just won’t work.

Like earlier today when I used a few minutes to just sit and check email. Instead of make sure that I had the “supplies” for the next feeding, which consists of two bouncy seats, a boppy pillow, pacifiers, two bottles, two mugs with hot water to warm the bottles, formula, “the notebook” (where we meticulously record the details of feeding and “output” because let’s be honest, with twins it’s hard to remember much beyond the past 30 minutes), a burp cloth and a bib [and if I’m really thinking I also include a glass of water for me, a snack because I’m constantly hungry, and a magazine for me to read which helps the time pass more quickly].

Lucia woke up ravenous, alerting me with her hungry wail. And I quickly jumped back into action. But I forgot one important supply. And I didn’t realize it until I had begun feeding Alethia – and Lucia wasn’t content to just “chill out” in her bouncy seat. It was the pacifier. As well as the bottles “on the ready” which would now need to be warmed. And it was all the way upstairs in their nursery. Which would have entailed interrupting her sister’s feeding session … leaving TWO screaming babies … and so I didn’t.

And when my friend called who was coming over with lunch and to hold a baby (bless her!), she kindly asked if she could call back in a few minutes (because Lucia was screaming in the background). I told her that it wouldn’t help … it was likely to be the same situation. Such is a moment in the day of a life with 9 week old twins.

I think I hear a cranky, hungry customer calling right now … must go.

twins: the first month

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If a picture is worth 1000 words, I think this one  from their one month birthday party last Friday could sum up how life with twins feels right now. One will be serene (in this picture, Lucia) while her sister (Alethia here) begins screaming. It often feels like an impossible balancing act – trying to satisfy both of their needs simultaneously.

But then they will snuggle up close together while sleeping or rest peacefully on my shoulder as they drift into dreamland  and as I hear their quiet rhythmic breathing and tiny sighs, I know that life could not get better than this. It is beautiful, but it is certainly very hard as well. The only reason I have a couple minutes to blog now is that my Grandmother (their great-grandmother) is downstairs “on duty,” and she insisted that I rest until the next feeding – which should be quite soon (in the next half hour or so). Life right now is measured in 30 minute, maybe 1 hour increments – with longer breaks at night. (they do tend to sleep solidly for 2 to 3 hours at a time at night, for which we are immensely thankful) So I will take hold of the moment and try to capture this new experience in bulleted form.

Best things about the first month:

  • Getting to know these girls that I had carried inside me for almost 9 months
  • Seeing them become healthy and strong as they gain good weight, moving from the “preemie” stage to the “newborn” stage [I was so excited to see that they had outgrown a couple of their outfits last week]
  • Holding them as they drift off to a peaceful sleep
  • Watching their personalities emerge: Alethia seems to be quite “spirited” (the picture above demonstrates that well) and also very alert – taking in the world with her big blue eyes, inquisitively examining any new person who holds her; Lucia seems to be rather laid back, a bit calmer yet insistent when she wants to be fed (we usually have about a 2-5 minute window as she begins crying before it breaks into a full-out wail) and she’s a heavy sleeper
  • Going on walks in our neighborhood as a family
  • Introducing them and taking pride in others’ comments – the most frequent being, “They are so beautiful!” (and as a very biased parent, I couldn’t agree more …)
  • And I guess it goes without saying – but being off bed rest finally! And the process of labor & delivery itself was rather easy compared to everything else. So rewarding to get to meet these girls.

Hardest things about the first month:

  • Having to take them to the children’s hospital ER to be admitted for low weight after only being home with them 3 days – and the 6 days that followed when they were hooked up to IV’s/etc
  • Giving up any block of sleep longer than 2 hours
  • A “typical” day when I’m alone caring for them (thank you to our family and friends that there have only been a handful of these so far!): no break for a shower, eating breakfast at 1:00 pm (although the process began hours earlier), and even that meal being interrupted by one cry or the other
  • Trying to pacify both of them when they’re screaming simultaneously – and not lose my mind!
  • Feeding them … trying to figure out what will work best for them and me. Still struggling through this – not much of a rhythm yet at all and I often dread each feeding time (which lasts from 45 mins to 1 hr)

I think these posts describe life with twins pretty well – so I refer you there as I head off to stave off a hungry baby: 3 week old twins and twins at one month

Tiny miracles

A first poem for Lucia and Alethia, written in that euphoric semi-sleepy state I live in these days:

You knit them together –

Tiny miracles

Each small sigh and cry

Annoucing their existence

The joy and delight immeasurable

Wrapped up inside tiny pink bundles

We proudly display them

In photos, on a walk, in videos to capture each magical moment.

But is there a moment with them that is not full of magic?

How to choose which to catch, which to let pass?

All the days ordained for them were written –

Authored and chosen by their Maker

Given to us like an ever-unfolding story

Hour by hour, day by day, night by (sleepless) night

A joyful exhaustion as we discover

Each day written for them

What it will hold: a first sleepy smile?

A furrowed brow like Dad’s?

Wide-eyed and alert, they take in the world in small bits

The outside world is all new for them.

And so now they must rest and sleep.

It is tiring to be so new

To be so tiny

To be such a miracle in such a bundle

I close my eyes to rest – to soak in the wonder –

And to hold them close as they cry.

Would that they would always be so quickly comforted!

My heart is full with a love that came into existence

With their birth

And a desire that their first memories would be of me loving them.

Only possible as I soak in my Father’s loveTo pass it along to them

In its pure form, undliluted by sin and failure

Meaning it must come from Him

The One who has knit them together,

Marked out each day,

And placed His indelible likeness upon them each –

To which their precious faces testify as they reflect this hidden glory.

a poem while waiting

For some reason, I thought that I would be delivering this weekend. And unless something crazy happens between now and midnight (less than 4 hours), I don’t think these will be Labor Day deliveries. I’m both relieved and also growing more eager to meet these two. So thankful we are now at 35 weeks! I found this poem that I wrote during my 29th week – to which this post itself is an answer to the prayer voiced at the end. And strange how I feel much the same as I did when I wrote this (except that I am now off bed rest, at least in theory – the reality is that my energy level and physical discomfort still keeps me from most “regular” activitiy).

Longing …

To be out of bed rest

Active again

Just one body, rather than three-in-one.

Muscles relaxing instead of stretching

Seeing face to face

Not just flutters, kicks, and bladder punches to communicate

Who will you look like?

Blue eyes, I bet, but what else?

Blonde hair, like Daddy as a kid –

Or brown hair, like me?

Big eyes taking in the world from moment one as I did?

Or scrunched in confusion and shock as you exit your cozy womb.

(I am not so cozy though)

Yes, there will be crying and feeding …

But also smiling and cooing.

Lord, how long?

I pray it’s longer still yet I also ask you to give endurance.

I feel like mine’s worn out.

Parenting book reviews

As promised awhile ago, here is my review of parenting and pregnancy books I’ve read so far:

PREGNANCY BOOKS

Product Details

“Pregnancy: The Ultimate Week-by-Week Pregnancy Guide”by Dr. Laura Riley – As she takes you into your pregnancy week-by-week, she has a clear format with interesting and applicable facts for each week. I actually haven’t read any other pregnancy book in detail besides this one. I’ve enjoyed being able to read each week’s information about baby’s growth, my body’s changes, emotional changes, with questions & answers. She includes helpful info for husbands throughout the book as well. 

I did browse a friend’s copy of “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” which looked pretty hilarious – a nice balance to the intensity of some of the “what to expect” books on the market.

INFANT SLEEP/FEEDING BOOKS

With twins, we know that we’ll be diving into the deep end of trying to figure out how to care for TWO infants from day one and so I spent most of my self-educational reading in this category.

“Dr. Turtle’s Babies” by Dr. William John Turtle is an “oldie, but goodie.” My grandmother gave this book to my mom to read when she was pregnant with me – and then she gave it to my brother & sister-in-law, who then passed it along to us. One day when I was reading it while waiting for my OB, she told me that she also read it when she was pregnant. If you can get past the fact that he calls mothers “girls” and refers to the baby as “it,” there is some good basic info about infant care, sleeping, and feeding that still holds true. With a few caveats – review it with your doctor! My doctor said, for instance, to disregard what he said about feeding babies sugar water in between feedings.

“On Becoming Baby-Wise: Giving your Infant the Gift of Night-time Sleep” by Ezzo/Buckman is one that I was admittedly wary of beginning because I had heard it was rather harsh. I was pleasantly surprised. I especially liked that he began by saying that what’s crucial to your baby’s well-being is your healthy marriage – that even babies can pick up on the affection and love between their parents and this is what makes them feel secure. He goes on from there to talk about how to put your baby on a schedule that works for your family. With twins, we really have no other option than to schedule them – and that suits our “type-A” personalities anyway!

Healthy sleep habits, happy child [Book]“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Dr. Marc Weissbluth also talks about the importance of sleep and setting a routine for your baby. I found it helpful the way he discussed how to look for signs of sleepiness and seek to put your child to sleep before she becomes overly tired. Another motto that sums up his philosophy is “sleep begets more sleep” as he discussed the importance of day-time napping for a baby to be able to go to sleep at night. It generally makes sense, and I especially love that he has an edition specifically for twins that came out last year – this was perfect for us.

TWIN BOOKS

Ok – if you’re like me, you probably had no idea that there were so many books on twins out there. All of these were extremely helpful, and I’ll try to categorize these as “best for …” in order to differentiate between them.

When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or QuadsBest for twin pregnancy, labor & delivery (includes sections on bed rest, a recipe collection at the back of the book, specific weight gain goals, what to expect if your babies spend time in the NICU):“When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads” by Dr. Barbara Luke and Tamara Eberlein

Best for practical tips and advice for pregnancy through year one of twins “Twinspiration: Real Life Advice from Pregnancy Through the First Year” by Cheryl Lage – by a mother of twins with lots of humor thrown in to make you laugh as you think about how in the world you’ll make it through … !

Juggling Twins Best for practical tips and advice from newborn to toddler phase of twins by a mother of twins who is also quite humorous. My mother-in-law read this book and she said she found it very helpful – that it covers everything and gives specific ideas. “Juggling Twins” by Meghan Regan-Loomis

Product DetailsBest balance of medical advice and practical wisdom for the first 5 years of twins by a mother who’s also a pediatrician. She is straight-forward with helpful advice and not a lot of “fluff,” but her style is readable and practical – like she goes into specifics about how to actually transport twins from your house to the car when they’re still infants. “Raising Twins: From Pregnancy to Preschool” by Dr. Shelly Vaziri Flais

Product Details

Best for very specific sleeping schedule and feeding advice for the first year of twins with some British English “translation” required – such as deciphering that “dummy” refers to pacifier/etc. It’s a combination book, written primarily by a British nanny who’s an expert on child-rearing with introductions to each chapter by a twin mom: “A Contented House With Twins” by Gina Ford and Alice Beer

Not worth buying or reading: There’s just one in this category that I just didn’t find very helpful – “Twins! Pregnancy, Birth, and the First Year of Life” by Agnew, Klein, and Ganon

PARENTING BOOKS

“A Mother’s Heart: A Look at Values, Vision, and Character for the Christian Mother” by Jean Fleming reminded me of the beautiful and high calling that it is to be a mom. I loved her mix of practical and pastoral teaching on being a mother. She is balanced, biblical, and grace-infused in her approach. I found it very easy to read, and I think it will be a book to return to in years to come. She gives specific ideas and focuses of how to pray for your children, including praying for creativity in connecting with them.

“Parenting by the Book: Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child” by John Rosemond offers some practical wisdom and exposes our culture’s current tendency toward “child-centered” parenting and homes. He gives a good initial corrective to this, but I did not find that he talked enough (or at all) about grace and reaching a child’s heart instead of merely producing good behavior. I did like the section where he discusses seasons of parenting, and this is a good starting point, but for a book claiming to be founded on Biblical wisdom, I didn’t find his approach very Christ-centered.

“Don’t Make Me Count to Three: A Mom’s Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline” by Ginger Plowman is a book I read during a “Counseling Children” course at Westminster/CCEF. I am sure that I will return to this book as my girls approach their toddler years for her gospel-centered approach in how to highlight the heart of the matter in your child’s misbehavior. She takes the approach and philosophy of Tedd Tripp’s book, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and makes it very practical.

“How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family” by Dan Allender is the one I am currently reading. I have enjoyed it immensely, as he turns the focus to what purpose children serve in a parent’s life — that having children is part of God’s journey and story for me as a parent and it will be a large way that God sanctifies me in the midst of the parenting process. His central idea is that we as parents are to reflect God’s mercy and strength to our children by answering the two questions they are asking: “Am I loved?” [YES!!!!] and “Can I get my own way?” [No]

 Here’s a quote as he talks about our dreams for our children – and a fitting end to this blog post:

It is our privilege to dream far bigger dreams than that good things happen and bad things don’t happen to our children. We are to dream and pray and desire and speak to the possibilities that pain and tragedy and pleasure and glory will weave our children into beings who hunger to touch the face of God. … To dream for our children is to lean into the quiet cries of the Holy Spirit that call out the true, God-given name of our child.

September already!

There are many reasons why I can hardly believe that it’s September. Like so many of you, I’m asking, “Where did the summer go?” Yet unlike many of you, my answer is rather mundane: umm … it passed while I sat in a recliner observing the comings and goings of our Norfolk neighborhood, wondering how close I was to delivering these twins. There is some grief – that I couldn’t make it to Bryan & Megan’s wedding, that Seth & I only spent a couple days at the beach together (in contrast to last summer when we took full advantage of being only 30 minutes from the beach by going every Saturday), that my favorite of seasons is almost gone, that hanging out with friends and family was always in the same atmosphere: our house. Of course, I would say that it was all worth it – and certainly will be once we meet these daughters of ours.

I am certainly in a very different season of expectancy now. All of my self-given “projects” are over; leaving me to read and write and chat with friends. I feel like “circling the wagons,” in the sense of wanting to soak up each minute of time left when family time still consists of just Seth and me. We are as prepared as we can be, knowing full well that there is nothing that will quite prepare us for the chaotic joy that is ahead of us. I am not sleeping well at night because I can’t get comfortable, and then once I do, I inevitably wake 1-2 hours later and then can’t get back to sleep. I’m not too tired during the day, surprisingly, but I wish I could store up more sleep for the sleepless days & nights sure to come.

And there’s a hurricane coming through this weekend. Three people have told me that the low barometric pressure brought on by such a storm makes labor much more likely. There is some interesting research that seems to support this. And so now that I am at 34 weeks and now that we are in September and now that I feel like there’s really nothing left I need to do … I can’t help but wonder if this weekend (Labor Day weekend, incidentally) will be “the” weekend. Part of me is scared and part of me is excited. It’s similar to the way I’ve felt before each mission trip I’ve embarked upon (to Haiti, Mexico, Ireland, New Orleans): once preparations are completed and it’s the night before leaving, I have a sense of exhilaration mixed with fear. Like I am diving off of a cliff and can’t quite see what’s below. Yet each time, my faith in the God who flies with me – who not only beckons me beyond the comfortable but also goes with me into the unknown – has been strengthened tremendously. I see new sides to God that I never would have noticed had I stayed in the comfortable. Certainly becoming parents to twins will be even more faith-building as we must trust God in ways we cannot even anticipate. Here’s to the journey ahead … which will take me far beyond what has been a comfortable (albeit boring and mundane at times) summer.

reflections while waiting

Tiny toes and feet. As you kick me, it’s a reminder of the secret weaving together your Creator is engaged in – of you, inside me. What a mysterious miracle! The kicks are as if you are seeking to let me know you’re here. I feel you. I await the moment when I will behold you as your Maker now sees you. The invisible made visible. The imagined becoming reality.

Times two – twice as amazing. It is hard to believe you will have an instant sister from birth and that our family’s size will instantaneously double. It is overwhelming at moments to try to picture what this will mean for us who have for almost four years just been two. What will it be like for us to now be four? How will our lives change? I can’t possibly begin to fathom it. But I cling to the promise of grace that is always equal to the moment and the day. So we will have twice the grace, and we already do.

I am resting now so that you can rest in the place safest for you. I am resting so you can be active. Once you are born, I will be active so that you can rest. You feel at home now, and you cannot imagine a home outside of me. Good! Stay that way for awhile longer yet. But there will come a day when you will be delivered into a larger home that you cannot imagine yet. You will be brought to our home, to a nursery lovingly prepared for you. It will feel strange. It will not feel like home at first. Yet our prayer is that you will find a home in our love, which will ultimately lead you to the One whose love is the best Home in which you can dwell. Enjoy your temporary, mysterious-to-me-yet-within-me dwelling for now. Kick away … and I will await your arrival with an expectant yet patient joy.

Posting today as part of Emily Wierenga’s Imperfect Prose on Thursdays. In Emily’s words, “This is going to be a place where we dig word-deep. where we uncover language lure, and breathe poetry. prose. in the name of faith. . . . Each week, let’s meet and find redemption in the grace of the other. let’s be broken on canvas, on material, on paper, on screen, together . . . for God is there.” Read more Imperfect Prose on Emily’s blog, in the hush of the moon. My friend Julie inspired me to join this.

celebrating in numbers

An odd title for a post, isn’t it? Especially coming from someone who has admittedly never been really fond of mathematics or anything else number-related. Yet I am finding that these days of bed rest, I am paying much closer attention to numbers than before.

For every ONE day further that the babies stay put, that is saving them about SEVEN days in the hospital. So I take each day as a gift, which it always has been, but I am much more aware of that than before.

Yesterday marked ONE MONTH on bed rest. It really has flown by! Restlessness is starting to set in a bit, but I try to focus on just ONE MOMENT at a time. And there’s always grace given for that, whether it comes through a friend’s timely phone call or visit or through prayer, God’s Word, or a cherished line from a book I’m enjoying.

Today “baby A – a.k.a. Anna baby (her nickname)” measured THREE pounds, “baby B – a.k.a. Banana baby (her nickname)” weighed THREE pounds, TWO ounces. Keep growing, girls!!

I have gained THIRTY-SEVEN pounds during pregnancy, which is really good for twins since the mother’s rate of growth is thought to be crucial to the babies’ continued growth. And, yep, I just admitted that. Walking in the light of the truth from my previous post …

And I am now TWENTY-NINE weeks and TWO days along in pregnancy.

Praying for at least FIVE more weeks of growth for these TWO daughters of ours, so that they’re not born until THIRTY-FOUR weeks along.

EIGHT books I’ve completed during this past month of bed rest! And SEVEN blog posts … 🙂