Day 1: how I found out I was having twins

February 3, 2010 / 4 weeks pregnant

I could barely sleep for excitement – knowing I would be taking a pregnancy test in the morning. And I found out that I am pregnant. I am with child. There’s a little BABY growing inside me. I’m in shock I think … disbelief … overjoyed. And yet not really entirely surprised. No, I take that back. I AM entirely surprised. Entirely. Absolutely.

But the excitement was soon replaced by fear when I started spotting unexpectedly. My mind immediately went to the saddest place: miscarriage. At age 30, I’d walked alongside many friends on this journey of heartbreaking loss. I knew it was a very real possibility. So when my OB-GYN asked me to come in sooner than the scheduled appointment to see what was going on, I assumed the worst. My husband, Seth, accompanied me.

February 17, 2010 / 6 weeks

my first glimpse of twins during my first ultrasound at 6 weeks

my first glimpse of twins during my first ultrasound at 6 weeks

We are expecting TWINS – oh.my.goodness. What joy! What a surprise ~ what a miracle to hear two heartbeats yesterday! Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I can’t help but connect this to my secret hope and desire that I’d have twins. I’ve always wanted to have twins, and it really does feel like a dream come true! (I’m sure I’ll need to be reminded of that when I’m in such intense discomfort and we’re getting no sleep …!)

Now that was an understatement. But I’m getting way, way ahead of myself. I’ll introduce this series by going ahead and answering one of the pressing questions you have if you don’t have twins, and the questions you’ve heard ad nauseam if you do:

So were they natural? (usually followed up with) Do twins run in your family

My favorite answer is from another twin mama who likes to say, “Yes. They’re natural. We had sex.” I chuckled and cheered inside when she told me, but I never quite had the guts to be so bold. In our case though, YES, they were “natural,” as in we were completely, utterly surprised to be expecting twins and had not been through any fertility treatments nor had we been trying for very long to have kids. But did you really want to know all that when you accosted me in the grocery store as I was trying to marathon it through without one or both babies waking? In my more gracious moments, I know you’re simply curious and intrigued. But it’s hard to be gracious when you know at.any.moment you could have a twin tantrum on your hands. (That will be a post later in this series.)

On to your next question – YES, twins run in my family. Both sides. My grandfather was a twin, and Seth’s great-grandmother was a twin. But what I learned through having twins is that twinning is only genetic if the twins are fraternal. Identical “just happens.” And twinning is only genetic through the maternal side of the family. So if I feel like being super-chatty with you in the checkout line, I might explain all that to you. And I may even tell you that my grandfather was an identical twin; and my husband’s twin history doesn’t count; so the *real* answer to your question is “no – twins don’t run in my family.” No other extended family member on either side has had twins in recent history.

I am quite thankful that (a) we found out so early into pregnancy because it takes me forever to process big news and this was the biggest news of my life and (b) Seth was with me at the appointment and that he was sitting down. It was only one of a handful of moments I’ve seen him being entirely surprised. (The first was when I told him that I was in fact interested in dating him. This was a month after I’d instructed him not to ask me out on a third date because I wasn’t interested nor were we emotionally connected. But that will be for another series.)

If you want to continue to follow along, subscribe to my blog or like my Facebook page “Hidden Glory” to get updates. For the month of October, I’m participating in “Write31Days” and my series is “31 Days of Parenting Twins.” 

day 31: leave

photo credit: theguardian.com

photo credit: theguardian.com

Waving good-bye is always bittersweet. It signals leaving someone I love, for whom I’m traveled miles and miles and now it is time to return home.

Sometimes I wonder what my impression is on others after I leave. What do I leave behind when I exit a room or a party? Love and encouragement and kindness? Or a “whew, I’m glad she’s gone because WOW she was in a bad mood today”? I am sure that it is both. Depending on the day, the occasion, and my interaction with others.

When family or dear friends who have become like family leave our home after a visit and gets back in their car, it is hard to see them leave. Long-distance refers not only to miles but in time between face-to-face relating. And it is hard for your heart to live in so many different places. South Carolina; Georgia; Philadelphia; Chicago; Hershey; Florida; Savannah; New Hampshire; Singapore; Kenya … to name a few.

Leaving of all kinds awakens the longing for a time and an eternal day when there will be no more leaving. It will be staying and celebrating and laughing and loving. A place I’ll never want to leave, and never will have to leave.

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The final post in the 31-day writing challenge (of which I wrote almost all 31). Read all of them here. And it’s also a belated Five-Minute Friday post, too {five minutes of writing on a prompted topic with a fabulous link-up of other bloggers}.

day 29: wake

As I approach the end of the 31-day writing challenge, I have to admit that I am feeling a bit weary of this type of writing. I am eager to share with you, my readers, what has been on my heart. And this format does not best lend itself to that. Plus I’m realizing that I would much rather blog 1-2 times a week with what’s flowing from my life than to write every day. Quality v. quantity. I did take a break last week to share about Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I look forward to following up on that soon. Other topics in my head and heart –  generosity Macedonian-style,  a few book reviews of Teach Us to Want, Simplicity Parenting, and In Our Lives First, and the ever-present reality of embracing imperfection. So, thank you, dear readers old and new for following along this 31-day journey. We’re nearing the finish line! (And I was also happy to know that even the Nester who organizes write 31 days posted about her break, almost simultaneously with her sister, Emily Freeman, writing the same. I am not alone. !)

But – back to today’s word. It’s a good one. Here I go – five minutes of writing unedited:

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photo credit: fitsugar.com

photo credit: fitsugar.com

What will it mean for you to wake up today? What will it take for you to be awake? Fully awake in your life, generously opening up your hands, your heart, your mind, your gifts to the world around you? For me waking starts with a shower, quiet reflection and journaling, reading the words of life (Scripture), and then a good, strong cup of coffee with French Vanilla creamer in it. I wake so that I can be present with my ever-energetic 4-year-old twin daughters, so that I can engage with the friends I will meet today and the strangers whose paths will cross mine. I wake in order not to miss life as it passes me by.

Spiritually, I must also daily wake my soul. There’s a quote in our home painted by a friend years ago that says, “We who would be born again indeed must wake our souls multiple times a day.” It is so true. I must wake up to my life, to the spiritual realities within which I dwell. For battle – we wage daily against the spiritual forces of darkness whether aware or not – and for love. Love requires all of my faculties to be awake.

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For the rest of my 31-day writing series, click here.

day 27: free

Monday morning comes rough and early and with the background of a scream-crying 4-year-old who can’t find the flashlight I gave her as a reward for good behavior yesterday. {And now I wish I’d never done that.} I feel a hair-trigger anger in response. How dare you interrupt my guarded, quiet half hour? This is all I will have of that commodity [quiet] today. And you are robbing me of it. 

It’s too familiar. The anger because my agenda is interrupted, my will has been crossed, what I thought I needed for my day, for my week, is being taken away. By my child.

I hate my anger. And I hate the selfish heart from which it arises. I want to be free. Really free. And I know I am promised that in Christ, I am free. The old has gone; the new has come. … Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death. … Stand firm, therefore, and do not be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. 

photo credit: pixgood.com

photo credit: pixgood.com

So why do I feel the weight of the shackles still? I am in Christ by faith, and his life is in me. I am free from sin’s power, but I still live terrorized by it in moments like this. Perhaps “free” is to be the battle cry of my heart to press in to what is truer about me than my anger and my selfishness. I am free, and I will be free completely one day. Let me live in this hope in the in between place (the already and not yet).

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Part of the 31-day writing challenge in October. {Five minutes of free writes from a daily word prompt.}

day 25: enjoy

photo credit: christianbook.com

photo credit: christianbook.com

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” But what if I don’t sense the Lord’s goodness? Too often, my conclusion tilts toward – “well – God must not be good and the Bible isn’t true then.” Instead of the more obvious assessment that my tastebuds must be off. One of the best conversations I had with a new friend in seminary was when we discussed this verse and the fact that a prayer out of this verse must be, “Then, Lord, change my appetite! Teach me to enjoy you again.”

It’s not unlike the way my physical tastebuds can get spoiled by too much sugar and junk food, taking away my taste for what’s healthy and good. The few times that I have given myself a sugar fast, I was amazed by how much more I enjoyed all of my food – the healthy vegetables, for example, and the fresh fruit. And when I did eat something sweet at the end of the fast, I savored that even more so, too, because of the way my tastes had been “reset” as it were.

I think the proper prayer for my heart, and perhaps yours, is to ask God to help me to enjoy what is truly joyful. To reorient my joy and my attitudes to what brings eternal delight rather than merely temporary pleasure. As I lay down my life, I will discover true life.

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Read the rest of my 31-day free writes here. Six days to go!

day 23: pumpkin

They line the front porches cheerfully grinning with hollow smiles, lit up one evening in October. Their appearance initiates autumn’s inception. And we count them on our neighborhood walks. Lost in a field of pumpkins is my favorite fall picture. And it was one of Alethia’s first words. The bright orange globes noticeably glow, matching the leaves of the trees surrounding them.

The first fall after having twins, I lined up four small pumpkins on my mantel, and I felt like this gesture was my re-entrance into a rhythm outside of round-the-clock feedings. They were barely six weeks old, and family came in town to meet the twins for the first time. And I remember the line of orange, leading the way to more creativity one day.

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Ending earlier than 5 minutes, for once. This was one of the topics I chose, and as I’m writing, I realize I really can’t write that much about pumpkins. Their poetic nature expires after about 2 minutes. So in interest of my boredom with writing about pumpkins and yours with reading about them, I end there.

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More in my 31-day writing series in October found here.

day 22: expect

photo credit: churchleaders.com

photo credit: churchleaders.com

It implies hope of something certain. Yet what happens if what you expected clashes with the reality of what you’re given? Like the wife who says – “I never expected him to work so much,” or the husband who can’t understand why his wife is so distant. The parents who come quickly to their wit’s end with their 2-year-old or their teenager, and they say with desperate pleading, “I didn’t expect parenting to be this hard! When will it get easier?”

The hardest can be when I myself turn out differently than I expected. I never thought I would be the mom who struggled with anger, or the wife who wanted more alone time, or the friend who went “off the grid” when life felt too hard, or the pastor’s wife who would resent the church at times, or the counselor who grew cynical. But I have been all of these and more. And it’s surprising to me, yet not to the God who made me, who wrote out each of my days before they began. Though I do not meet my own expectations, God’s love for me always exceeds what I expect of Him. This brings hope – that there is a Love to carry me through all that I do (and especially what I do not) expect in life.

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Part of a 31-day writing series on various topics – 5 minutes of free writing each day. Read all of them here.

day 21: color

photo credit: dvdreleasedates.com

photo credit: dvdreleasedates.com

I call the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college the summer that my faith became technicolor. In my previously black-and-white faith,  grace was a word used merely to excuse sin – “it’s covered by grace! Praise Jesus! I can keep on being rude to my family and hating those different than me, plus do everything I want to do and know that I’m still saved.” I didn’t have a high view or a very personal view of grace, amazing though I professed it to be each time I sang the words of that familiar hymn. 

And then I began to feel my futility in being righteous enough according to God’s standards. I started losing sleep out of anxiety that I was not doing enough for God and under the burden of trying to do everything right all of the time. I cried out to God in my first grace prayer that sounded like this: “God, I can’t do it anymore! You must help me!” 

And wow, color flooded in like the Technicolor scenes of Wizard of Oz once Dorothy leaves Kansas. Grace was everywhere and in everything I read and many conversations I had that summer. Grace carried me and infused strength to me when I had finally professed that I had none left. Grace brought renewed joy to me in the God of my salvation who did my impossible at great cost to Jesus – rescued me from sin and set me free in hope to be a new creation in Christ.

Grace was on every page of Scripture. Romans, Galatians, Colossians, even the Old Testament pointed to it with promises in Ezekiel of a new heart and God’s invitation to his people over and over again to return to him, for he had redeemed them.

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Part of the October 31-days writing challenge. Read the rest of my posts here.

day 20: manna

photo credit: galleryhip.com

photo credit: galleryhip.com

They asked, “What is it?” The white, flaky food falling from the sky, available to gather anew every morning. And that became its name – “manna/what is it.” They could not tell you what it was, but they used it and knew that it was provision from God’s hand. It built their covenantal trust in their God who every morning provided just enough for each day for each family.

My former professor, Ed Welch, compares trust in God for future provision to the Israelites’ trust of the daily, future provision of manna. I love that analogy. For I, too, need reassurance every day anew that God will provide all I need. And I, too, cannot always (or often) name what it is that I need, even looking back on something in hindsight. I just know that it’s what I needed, provided from God’s hand, and enough for every day.

It’s a daily practice of trusting God will give all I need. For today, and for the moments of this day. And that there will be a renewed supply tomorrow.

What’s my response? To open up my hands and to gather it. To look for it, and to thank God when it comes. So yesterday I thanked God for the provision of a chat with neighbors at twilight while our children played together; and today I thank God for grace of his forgiveness after losing it in anger at my daughters. It is strength to get up and to show up in my life even when I feel unmotivated or “blah.” Sufficient for each day is its own trouble, and inherent in that promise is that sufficient for its day is its own manna as well.

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Part of the October writing challenge – 31 days of 5 minute free writes. Read more here.

day 19: school

photo credit: en.wikipedia.com

photo credit: en.wikipedia.com

There have been so many in the 20 years of education I’ve had. The concrete block halls of my elementary school, cheerfully bedecked with apples and kids’ drawings and creative bulletin boards. And then the similarly structured high school halls, devoid of artwork and covered with lockers and more graffiti than the administration allowed. That gave way to the much more beautiful (and expensive) buildings of the midwestern Christian college I attended – fall leaves on the front lawn at the foot of the limestone bell tower that chimed regularly and rang a lot in the spring with each engaged couple who ascended its heights to announce their joy.

Wheaton

But which school has been most instructive? Probably not any of these buildings, per se. They were an important launch into a lifetime of learning. I have been schooled about my heart and in the most crucial of lessons (love) in the four walls of home. My own home in which I grew up with my parents and two younger brothers, and now the home I cultivate alongside my husband with our twin daughters.

This gives a new meaning to the term “home school.”

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Part of a 31-day October writing challenge. Read the series here.