dear summer-weary mom (from one to another)

July 29, 2022July 29, 2022 / Heather Davis Nelson / Leave a comment

July has felt like the longest month. I’m ready to flip the page on my calendar, and we’ve still three days left, including today. But who’s counting?

Well, to be honest, I am. And I think a lot of my other moms are, too. I get to this place and feel surprised by it every summer. It’s the place in summer where my fun has worn out, as well as my creative parenting energy; and it’s very very hot; and my kids are bored; and school isn’t quite yet close enough – but it’s creeping up in a way that feels rushed and oppressive. It’s the pressure of, “I want to fit all those summer projects and day trips and visits in but oh-my-goodness there isn’t enough time for it all, and I certainly don’t have enough energy (that wore out a few weeks ago).”

When my twins were old enough to be school-age, this switch happened for me – where fall is what I began to look forward to, because it meant a routine for all of us and a break for me and learning and friends and an amazing teacher (or two) for my girls. By spring, I get a weariness from all of the school year activity and feel ready for the quieter, slower rhythm of summer. But by mid-to-end-of-July, I’m ready for summer to be done. Although my kids won’t as readily admit it, they are too.

How did I know I was here again? Meaning, this place of summer-weariness common to moms of school-age kids? My anger and frustration and irritability kept creeping up, until it reached a boiling point this morning, and I lost it. Ironically enough, we were trying to fit a lot of things into today’s schedule, and I was mentally trying to coordinate whether the dog would be let out midday while we’re gone (and by whom), what time I needed to drop each daughter off at their activities for the day so that I would make it to work on time, and then what the other end of the day would look like. What time is today’s camp pickup, and what had my friend graciously offered in terms of when to pick up my other daughter from her house? (Or were they meeting me at my house?) Not to mention, did I have my lunch? What about my girls – do they have lunches if they need them and water bottles? Did she take her pool bag with her? And which stores do I need to try to swing by – squeeze in between the running and picking up of my kids and coming home from work and preparing dinner and our home to host friends for dinner?

So dear summer-weary mom, you’re almost to the finish line of this summer, and you don’t have to muster up the strength to make it through this last stretch on your own.

You’re not alone (even when you want to be – ha!). But seriously, know that up and down the streets of your neighborhood, the corridors of your apartment, the lanes of your farmhouse out in the country – there are other moms trying to make it, too. We’re in this together, and maybe my weariness and *feeling* of being in it alone means I should reach out honestly to a fellow mom – and share the understanding that what we’re experiencing isn’t uncommon. Maybe you fill up that backyard inflatable pool or bust out the slip n’ slide and invite her and her kids over. Maybe you make lemonade and dump out the Legos container and let your kids entertain themselves a bit while the mamas discuss whatever adult topic seems good. Maybe you meet up with a friend after work for an hour or two before heading home. And maybe – if your personality is (like mine) craving people-free time by this time of a summer with “all the people” – steal away for an hour or two to a favorite place and just bring a book, or a journal, or a sketchpad. (Swap with another mom-friend craving as much solitude as you are …. or find someone craving little-people time because they don’t have any of their own in their home.)

And breathe. Right now, take three deep breaths and remind yourself that you are loved by the God who sees into your weariness and seeks to strengthen you by His grace.

You’ve got this! Because He’s got you.

Day 20: when the reality of twins interrupts the best-laid plans

October 31, 2015October 31, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 4 Comments

I am sorely aware that it is Saturday evening, October 31, the last day of the #write31days challenge, and I’m on day 20 of my “31 days of parenting twins” series. It’s easy for me to default into what’s familiar when I’ve not met one of my own expectations: shame of perceived failure, berating myself for not being able to write for 31 days about an experience I live out daily.

And that’s the catch. In my writer’s mind, I could see the 31-days-of-parenting-twins journey mapped out perfectly ahead of me. The predictable twists-and-turns, like talking about the funny things people say about twins, and the ways my girls have had a “twin sense” about each other since they were born, even exploring together the topics of premature labor, bed rest, potty training twins, “the terrible twos TIMES TWO,” scattering helpful tips along the way. Most importantly, I was excited for the opportunity to write about an experience that is quite unique (while familiar to me), and has been characterized both by double joys and multiplied struggles.

image from poetsandquants.com

Instead, twins happened. Over the past month, we had to scramble and cobble together childcare for two all-weekend events two weekends in a row. (Thankful for local grandparents who covered one of them!) We missed an entire week of preschool between the two of them having a bad cold accompanied by a croup-like cough and a fever. (Which means mama didn’t have her usual writing time.) And this week, L. came down with strep. We waited anxiously for signs that A. had it, and breathed a sigh of relief that we’re out of the woods. Or so we hope … just tonight before bed, A. seemed out of sorts and I imagined I heard the beginnings of congestion. Oh my. I feel like I’m in my “grin and bear it” mentality. What’s more likely is that her unexpected and long bedtime tantrum was the sugar low after eating way.too.much Halloween candy tonight during and after trick-or-treating.

With twins, I’m learning to expect the unexpected and unpredictable – both in terms of “way, way harder than I’d imagined” and “so much better than I could have pictured or orchestrated.” Like their spontaneous twin-fairy dancing show we were privy to this morning while sipping coffee after breakfast, or their graceful and radiant twin-princess-glory tonight while trick-or-treating through our neighborhood. The best of times and the worst of times is moments apart in parenting, and especially so if parenting twins.

So, no, I did not complete the 31 days series in October. And truth be told, there are other topics I’m eager to share with you. Like what I learned in October, and reflections on Konmari organizing, and how excited I am that my book Unashamed: Healing our Brokenness and Finding Freedom from Shame is now available for pre-order (Crossway, to be released June 2016).

But this story of twins? It’s my life. I do want to share the rest of the story someday. I hope to finish it in November at various points.

For tonight, I’ll conclude by saying thank you for journeying with me thus far. I hope you’ll continue to follow along with my writing here on my blog. If you’re a fellow twin parent, I hope that something has resonated with you and given you even the smallest sense of being less alone as you’re outnumbered by twin babies/toddlers/preschoolers/etc.

Days 16 & 17: my favorite advice for twins, preschool stage

October 23, 2015October 23, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 1 Comment

As my twin daughters are five-years-old, but not yet in kindergarten (birthdays were too close to the cut-off date), I consider myself an expert at the preschool stage. (Wink, wink … hardly!) They have been to preschool for three years now, the first year they were in a 2-day program; the second year they were in a 3-day program; and this year they’ve been in a 5-day program. Which brings me to my favorite advice for twins in the preschool stage:

1 – Consider enrolling your twins in a Mom’s Day Out program or preschool. Even if you’re planning to homeschool later on, I think preschool could be a “sanity saver” for you as a twin mama. It is quite exhausting to chase preschoolers around and to try to keep their days planned and active. The emotional toll on me was steep, and so knowing the twins were going to a few mornings of preschool allowed me built-in time to breathe, step back, and be more engaged with them the other several hours of each day.

photo from emmaschildcare.com

3. Embrace the messiness that comes with creativity. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you have witnessed my journey to nurture my own creativity and to allow the creativity of my kids. I don’t like to clean up messes, and art is usually messy (to some degree). So do what you need to do to be able to lean into the creative activities they (and you) will love. Creativity for us meant that I have looked for non-paint activities for them to do and/or we did the artistic project outside. It also meant that I banished glitter after an experience where glitter ended up everywhere in our house, even in our coffee. Enough said.

This is a beautiful, hopeful note to end on, and so we will conclude there.

If you’re also a #mama2twins, add your two cents to the comments. (And note that only positive and encouraging/helpful comments will be approved – no adding to the all-too-common online “mom wars.” We are all warriors doing hard things and so let’s support each other in every way we can.)

Day 10: Hi, I’m a waitress to twins.

October 17, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 2 Comments

This one will be fresh from the journal – a blog repost from November 10, 2010, when the twins were about 2 months old. I can remember this like it was yesterday. Except that so much of it was/is a blur. !

photo from theodysseyonline.com

As you read this, I would love to hear your thoughts if you’re a twin mom of whether this sounds familiar to you? What analogies would you use to describe the inimitable experience of twin newborns?

day 9: a poem of welcome

October 16, 2015October 16, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / Leave a comment

You knit them together –
Tiny miracles
Each small sigh and cry
Announcing their existence
The joy and delight immeasurable
Wrapped up inside tiny pink bundles
We proudly display them
In photos, on a walk, in videos to capture each magical moment.
But is there a moment with them that is not full of magic?
How to choose which to catch, which to let pass?

All the days ordained for them were written –
Authored and chosen by their Maker
Given to us like an ever-unfolding story
Hour by hour, day by day, night by (sleepless) night
A joyful exhaustion as we discover
Each day written for them
What it will hold: a first sleepy smile?
A furrowed brow like Dad’s?
Wide-eyed and alert, they take in the world in small bits
The outside world is all new for them.

And so now they must rest and sleep.
It is tiring to be so new
To be so tiny
To be such a miracle in such a bundle
I close my eyes to rest – to soak in the wonder –
And to hold them close as they cry.
Would that they would always be so quickly comforted!
My heart is full with a love that came into existence
With their birth
And a desire that their first memories would be of me loving them.

Only possible as I soak in my Father’s love
To pass it along to them
In its pure form, undliluted by sin and failure
Meaning it must come from Him
The One who has knit them together,
Marked out each day,
And placed His indelible likeness upon them each –
To which their precious faces testify as they reflect this hidden glory.

Day 8: the twins arrive in our world

October 16, 2015October 16, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 2 Comments

I had ten weeks of strict bed rest and incredible support by family and friends, especially my parents who drove up from South Carolina to complete all the home projects and nursery-readiness-plan that I could only direct from the reclined position of my recliner. Friends threw me beautiful baby showers from our home. And those ten weeks were wonderful and terrifying as I lived with the daily anxiety of, “what if the twins come today?”

At 35 weeks, the twins decided to make their appearance. It was time to meet these girls I’d dreamed about for so long and prayed for every waking moment of pregnancy. I will spare you the labor-and-delivery story that we moms love to share over cocktails or coffee or during playdates. These are our battle stories, and one (male) friend observed that it’s always merely a matter of time before L&D stories come out in a group of moms. #true

The summary is that labor and delivery was quick and relatively easy compared to what came before and after, and by 6:37pm on a beautiful September day, only seven minutes apart, both girls were born and cradled in the arms of proud, exuberant parents. L. was born first with bright, wide eyes that took in the world; and whose screams provided motivation for me to birth her sister, A. Both girls seemed shocked and excited to be in the world, and I will never forget our first moments together as a new family of four.

We will pause there, and celebrate the momentous occasion of two healthy newborn twins, born at 5.6 lbs and 4.11 lbs, to a waiting world of 11 medical personnel in the delivery room (yep – that was intense) and countless friends and family who could not wait to meet these newborn twins who had defied medical odds with the miracle of their birth at ten weeks AFTER premature labor. Welcome to the world, sweet girls!

Day 7: bed rest at 25 weeks

October 11, 2015October 11, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 1 Comment

I think it would work best in timeline form:

June 29, 2010 – moving day! We had found our first home to buy once we knew we were expecting twins and would need to move out of our small 1.5 bedroom apartment in the city. After about a month of minor renovations and major repainting, our new home was ready for us. The movers came that bright, sunny Tuesday morning. I ran out to 7-Eleven to buy gatorade for them; dropped it off; and then left for my routine biweekly OB checkup at 25 weeks.
I was being closely monitored for the possibility of early preterm labor which meant that every appointment I had a routine ultrasound and saw my babies – such #relief! But not this appointment. As soon as the ultrasound tech saw what was happening: that the signs of preterm labor were there, a long anxiety-provoking medical pause occurred, followed by a grim pronouncement. The words sunk in like lead: “Your body looks like it’s trying to deliver these babies. You will be on strict bed rest for the rest of your pregnancy.”
I began sobbing. My first question was, “Does this mean I can’t go to my brother’s wedding [in South Carolina 10 days afterward]?” The answer provoked more tears and panic rushed in like a dam breaking.
My husband turned over oversight of our move to the incredible deacons at our church and accompanied me as I was admitted to the maternal-fetal medicine ward of the hospital. The worst part was signing the consent to treat forms for my only 1.5 pound twin babies that I did not want to be born yet. They asked us if we had installed car seats yet, and our deer-in-the-headlights response conveyed the shock of two generally well-prepared people. We were thinking, Car seats? We don’t even have a change of clothes! Or a moved-in home to which to return!
The next 24-48 hours of hospitalization are largely a blur with moments of clarity: the reassuring manner of the MFM doctor who assured me that I was not in full-blown preterm labor but only early preterm labor which they’d been able to halt through medical interventions; the generous friends who brought over dinner to us that evening and other meals so that I did not have to eat hospital food; begging the nurses and medical residents/doctors to discharge me so that I could actually get some rest like they said I needed; the claustrophobia of the barren white hospital room; multiple ultrasounds reassuring me that both babies were fine and good despite their mama’s panic.
July 1, 2010: Discharged with strict instructions for bed rest and the hope that “if you make it to 28 weeks, we will all be amazed and your babies will have a much better chance of viability.” This terrified me. And drove me to desperate, bold prayers to the God who hears. We prayed and asked our family and friends to pray that our girls would make it to 34 weeks, a medical improbability according to my doctors.

image from en.wikipedia.com

Spoiler alert: They were born 2 days after I reached the 35-week mark! (I am breezing over the 10 weeks of strict bed rest – one trip up and down the stairs/day, no getting out of the recliner or bed except for bathroom visits and a brief shower, the only outing being my weekly doctor’s visits. For more read here where I blogged
through the experience and received so much support from so many.)

Day 6: what to do about fear {when pregnant with twins}

October 10, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 2 Comments

image from universesings.wordpress.com

With every pregnancy, fear is an unwelcome undercurrent. For me who already has a predisposition towards anxiety, the fears of pregnancy added to the fears of twin pregnancy almost undid me. As soon as my OB found out it was twins, she was upfront and honest – telling me that I was automatically in the high-risk category despite being otherwise perfectly healthy and that the greatest risk for twin pregnancy is premature delivery. All of this I tried to process at week 6!

And I couldn’t. So the fear grew along with my belly. Here’s a blurb that I wrote on June 25, 2010 – 24.5 weeks into pregnancy. The eerie irony of hindsight is that it barely four days after this post I was going to be hospitalized for the very thing I feared the most: early premature labor. Yet you and I, dear readers, have the benefit of knowing that the story ended well. If you could, try to suspend that knowledge and watch me as (a) I anticipated one of my biggest fears of twin pregnancy and (b) walked through this fear onto the other side.

Day 5: it takes abundant grace {to raise twins}

October 8, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 3 Comments

How ironic/interesting/intriguing that just after Day 4’s post about learning dependence through having twins, we got hit with a new wave of overwhelming life events! And so now “day 5” of #write31days is happening on October 8th. I tend to panic if I’m behind what “should be.” I’m a mixture of type A and type B, enough type A to care about meeting deadlines and being on time, but too much type B to be able to consistently do so (without lots of stressing out for me and towards my family). I’d always known that having kids would prove challenging for the being-on-time part of me.

The problem is that I’ve been in denial and that I try to still act as if it’s only me who has to make it places on time. I do know after 36 years of self-observation how much time I need to get out the door on time. But five years into parenting twins, I still cannot predict how much time one or both of them will take to get out the door. We’ve had wonderful moments of speedy efficiency that surprised even me at their ability to get dressed-eat-breakfast-put-on-shoes-brush-teeth&hair-get-whatever-special-toys-they-must-have-today-and-grab-backpacks in order to get to preschool on time. The problem is that they trick me. I *know* that they can do all of the above in 15-20 minutes, so I assume that they *will* do all of the above in 15-20 minutes any given day of the week. Ha, ha, ha. Silly me. {For a hilarious YouTube video about this phenomena for all parents, check this out.}

And, no, it is not consistently one or the other. They trade off. So A. might be super-speedy on Monday, but L. has a freak-out because “I cannot find my LOVIE!!!!!!!” So then on Tuesday I make sure that L. has her lovie in plenty of time, but unbeknownst to me, A. is the one who will freak out because her green dress is “too SCRATCHY!!!!!!!”

It’s emotionally exhausting for someone who really, truly wants to be put-together but daily confronts the reality that I am not. The smallest things can tilt my well-ordered but precarious “balance.” And twins? Well – picture a supermarket after an earthquake (and an earthquake with multiple aftershocks). I’m still trying to put the pieces back together if I’m honest.

image from http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/photograph/4535/shop-damage

And I’m learning that there is no other better way to be than honest. Anything else? It’s too exhausting.

During one of the hardest seasons of twin motherhood so far when the girls were 18-months-old, a friend introduced me to this poet-twin-mama, Sarah Dunning Park, who is beautiful inside and out and whose poetry book became a lifeline for me. Click here to read her poem “Resolution” which perfectly captures for me the gap between who I’d like to be and the reality of who I am – and she points to the grace needed to fill all those empty spaces.

Day 4: it takes a village {to raise twins}

October 5, 2015October 5, 2015 / Heather Davis Nelson / 5 Comments

I ended yesterday’s post with a promise of a “double edition” in order to catch up. But here it is, late Monday night, and I’m barely scribbling out part 2 of yesterday’s post. My default as an entrenched people-pleaser is to seek to make everyone in my life happy, and a really effective way to do this is to meet their needs. You’ve had a new baby and need a meal? I’ll be there. You need me to watch your kids for a few hours? Sure. You’ve got a problem and need to talk it out? Call me anytime. And the thing is – I really mean it. I really do want to be able to meet the needs I see. I know how wonderful it is to receive meal after meal after meal in the stage of new babies. Many friends have given me respite along the way by providing childcare when I desperately needed some time and space away from the demands of mothering. Family and friends who listen when I’m spewing out my heart ease my burdens by bearing it alongside me.

The trouble comes when I forget my limits and I overextend what my energy, life stage, and personality has the capacity to carry. And herein lies one of the hidden blessings of finding out we were going to be having twins: we knew that we would not be able to handle it alone. My husband and I often joke that we are both so stubborn that God knew it would take two newborns at once to bring us to our knees.

photo credit: startempathy.org

This is where we went when overwhelmed with the reality of twins: to our God who bears every burden. And how did he answer? Through providing a village of family and friends who did amazing things to carry us through the difficult twin pregnancy and especially the first 4 months of having twins:

brought us meals three times a week
cleaned our house weekly
arranged a “Care Calendar” to facilitate all the volunteers
went grocery shopping for us
shopped at Bed, Bath, & Beyond and Target for me
assembled cribs, made curtains for the nursery, hung pictures, sorted through the baby stuff I needed (or not), washed baby clothes
partnered with us on home rehab projects: bathroom remodeling, painting, and crown molding to name a few
drove 3+ hours to IKEA in DC/Northern VA traffic and brought back a wardrobe for the twins’ room (I’m looking at you, Matt & Emma)
brought lunch to me during the 10 weeks I was on bed rest (spoiler alert)
listened, prayed, showered us with love and gifts for the babies-to-be
showed up to rock and feed the girls while a sleep-deprived mama slept or showered or if it was a *really* productive day, went to the grocery store

The oft-quoted, “God will never give you more than you can handle!” is actually (a) not true and (b) not in the Bible at all.

A crucial part of being part of a vibrant village-like community is the ability to ask for and receive help, not only the ability to give help. And for this, I am thankful for the gift of God giving us more than we could handle by gifting us with twins.

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