Christian life

birthday reflections – a year of extremes

/ Heather Davis Nelson / Leave a comment

 

Today was my birthday (or still is, as a matter of fact, for two more hours). Due to my husband’s work commitments, I ended up having much of this afternoon and evening by myself with the girls – and now that they’re in bed, alone to reflect on this past year. Certainly a much quieter birthday than years past (like the year I had three surprise birthday parties!). It was definitely the messiest birthday dinner I’ve had, since my dinner guests smeared food all over their faces and threw it on the floor before deciding that their patience was up about halfway through my meal. But such is life with 9-month-old twins! And for all of the “inconveniences” or frustrations, there is an unspeakable joy that comes with having them in my life. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

More reflections on this past year, which has been the year of extremes, follow:

Time is a strange thing, how it seems to speed up and slow down, yet keeps constantly ticking along. And birthdays are a reminder of that. As I think about life as it has been radically re-defined for me in the last year, I cannot imagine it any other way. I could not picture a life absent of the gifts of our twin daughters. And they are the gifts that have come with an equally heavy load of responsibility. God has given with them the gift of seeing a new depth of my need for Jesus Christ, exposing the places of false comfort I have sought for refuge instead of my Rock. I have found out how solid my God is when life has felt shaky. Literally – when we wondered whether these girls would make it far enough along before their birth.

This past year, more than any other so far, I have lived the extremes. God has shown me both extremes of resting in simply being (through over two months of bed rest) when I could not be active and of resting when there was no time to rest or sleep or do anything but survive and help these babies thrive.  There have been days that felt endless because of lack of activity and days that felt endless because of an absence of anything but activity. I have gone from lonely days to days when I wished for one moment alone. I have had months of anticipating the twins’ arrival and preparing for life to change dramatically and all the months since of reflecting and processing and adjusting to how their arrival has transformed our lives. I can remember what it was like to believe the illusion that I alone was in control of my schedule, my to-do list, my sleep, and could choose how to spend free time. The illusion has been exposed and those days are like a dream.

And yet the other extreme to the life-turned-upside-down adventure that parenting has been is the joy I have felt. I didn’t know how I would see these little faces and fall instantly in love. And how, six days later when we had to take our babies to the ER of the Children’s Hospital, a deep-seated fear would grip me as I realized how fragile were the lives of these little ones who had my heart.Then the relief I would feel a week later when we all arrived home (again) and Seth and I placed them in their crib to nestle next to each other, free of monitors and IV lines.  During that week in between, I experienced the wrestling of faith to entrust these ones to the God who cared about them more than I do and who had compassion on me that went even deeper than mine for them. Yes, it has been quite a year. The end result? More awareness of my weakness. More clinging to Christ for strength. More joy independent of circumstances. I can only hope and pray for more of that in the year to come. Only this coming year, I’m not planning on doubling our family size as in the year past!

thankful

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 3 Comments

I wanted to give a bit of an update after the last post. Yes, motherhood has felt particularly difficult over the past several weeks, but also YES, I have a God who is alive and who meets me in the midst of all of life’s struggles and provides even more than what I need. And my heart is refreshed and thankful today as I think about …

  • grace and mercies new every morning – and every moment – as I need them
  • the refreshment of a week with family – who reminded me what a delight Lucia & Alethia are to us
  • moments to relax on the beach without having to track down the girls (thank you, Gigi & Pops!!)
  • the infinite horizon of the ocean meeting the sky that is just a tiny picture of the infinite love of God for His people “O, the deep, deep love of Jesus … vast, unmeasured, boundless, free … rolling as a mighty ocean, in its fullness over me …” (lines from my favorite hymn)
  • a date with Seth in Charleston
  • the refreshment of God’s Word – recently decided to read through the book of James. Its practical wisdom has been just what I need in this season of life, from the book called the “Proverbs of the New Testament.”
  • a day to be with God’s people and worship and receive the bread & the wine … and rest (thanks to a longer nap from the twins)
  • friends who encourage, pray for me, remind me that I am not alone in the hard days (you know who you are – thank you!)
  • my husband who faithfully loves and cares for me and our daughters
  • our God who is always faithful and loving and merciful, unchanging though all else can seem like it has changed

A prayer for Easter life

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 3 Comments

“I am the resurrection and the life.”  I need some of this life. My friends who are grieving the loss of their friend to cancer need the resurrection. Death is so foreign to life – its opposite, isn’t it? We need resurrection hope this Easter.

And I need the hope of life as I grieve the separation from family and feel like there are too many places that are dead within me. I need Your life to awaken me. To remind me of the joy of this calling of being a mother. I feel an absence of life when there is truly an abundance of it. The abundance of lives has made my life feel weary. Mundane. Monotonous. Even (especially?) on Easter.

Lord, who is alive, give me life. Joy. Hope. Lift my eyes from my self-imposed misery to the miraculous empty tomb. Empty of my sin because it died with Jesus at the cross. Empty of my misery because the living Redeemer is pushing back the darkness. Empty of death because my Savior vanquished it on the third day …

comfort and utility

/ Heather Davis Nelson / Leave a comment

A few weeks ago, I was watching Lucia as she played on a blanket on the floor. Bedtime was quickly approaching, and she decided that it was time to try to put herself to sleep. She has developed quite a “lovey” obsession in the past few months and uses her soft pink-striped zebra to cozy up to as she drifts off to sleep. Sometimes I have found her with this snuggly blanket animal almost entirely covering her face. (Yes, it did scare me a bit because of SIDS paranoia … but it seems lightweight and small enough that it won’t do harm.) So, naturally, she reached out for the closest object (hoping it would be her zebra) and began snuggling up to it, rubbing it against her face. The funny thing about it was that it was her hard plastic alien teething toy. So it must have been far from soothing – in fact, quite the opposite.

And that got me thinking. The problem wasn’t that the teething toy didn’t have a good purpose – and could even be comforting when used as such – but that Lucia was trying to use it in a way different than as intended. She had confused the toy for her lovey. Of course, it didn’t have the intended effect and she became more fussy instead of less so. Sweet Lucia later drifted off to sleep happily tucked in with her zebra … and I shared a small chuckle to myself.

How like Lucia I am! Yet without the innocence of her infant mix-ups. What God has given me for a certain purpose I use in the wrong way, trying to find soul-comfort where there is none. Like food and sleep and “me time”. An organized home, uninterrupted phone conversations, babies who never cry, clothes that flatter, a post-pregnancy body that matches my pre-pregnancy one … the list goes on and on. And God must look at me, thinking, “No – that’s not the purpose! She is trying to find soul-rest and comfort in created things, not me. Gifts I give her have replaced me, the Giver. Meant to be enjoyed in their place. But she will never find the true comfort she seeks from these things.” I am to find comfort in Him and utilize His gifts for their purpose. But I reverse that, using God to try to get what I want and seeking comfort in His gifts. And because He is my compassionate Father as well as my God, He gently replaces my items of false comfort with Himself, the true Comforter. Again He issues the invitation to my heart,

“Come … all you who are weary and heavy burdened … find rest for your souls … for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

 

living in expectancy

/ Heather Davis Nelson / Leave a comment

You might be getting tired of posts on the topic of waiting and expectancy, and at moments I find myself getting tired of waiting and being pregnant, too. Yet this is my season of life right now. And I want to embrace it for all that it is, knowing that as the Ecclesiastical wisdom goes, a time for waiting and resting will inevitably transition to a time for birth and parenting that we’ve been waiting for – which will be a season of busyness and activity. Knowing that the end [of pregnancy] is near loads each new day with meaning and anticipation. Knowing that the end date is unknown gives a sense of urgency and purpose to each moment (or at least a heightened desire to be purposeful). I often find myself asking the question, “If I go into labor tonight, what will be most important for me to accomplish today?” At the beginning of bed rest, that question was answered rather simply: finish well with those I had been counseling by referring them to other counselors and complete the grading for the distance ed course I had been proctoring (great course, by the way: CCEF’s “Counseling and Physiology” taught by Dr. Mike Emlet). Gradually my priorities shifted to finding a childbirth preparation DVD since Seth & I couldn’t take the class we were hoping for,  packing a hospital bag (umm … yes, this probably should have been my first priority but I think it was part of living in denial the first few weeks), and making sure the preemie-size clothes were washed and ready.

The point of this post isn’t to give a checklist for “preparing for labor and delivery,” as there are MANY out there which are helpful, but rather to draw the analogy to how I want to be living in this same sense of expectancy every day of my life as a Christian. By definition,  being a Christian means that I am one who is a member of God’s family because of the grace of Jesus Christ for me and therefore I belong not to my own kingdom and this physical home, but to God’s Kingdom where I will be at Home only when I am face-to-face with Christ (and “away” from this earthly body – after death or Christ’s return). Two sermons I’ve heard during this season of bed rest have caused me to meditate further on this reality – and to long to live all of my life in expectancy.

The first one was preached by my husband on faithful endurance on July 18th, and a key phrase of the Hebrews passage he preached on stood out to me in particular:

“…you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one.” (Hebrews 10:34)

He preached on the fact that so many times we are so focused on building on our earthly possessions that we forget about this better possession (all the riches of heaven and knowing Christ) that is to come. And we fail to endure faithfully when we suffer on earth because we think that this is all there is – that THIS is life. This is life, to be sure, but it is only a shadow of the Life to come. And that should make me not less engaged in each day, but more engaged. More purposeful, more desirous to live according to priorities that reflect the Life that is to come. Just as our priorities are being rearranged by the two lives that will soon be coming …

The second sermon that also struck me was by our pastor, Rev. Jack Howell, the following Sunday (July 25th) on Hebrews 11. Here are a few verses that stood out:

“These all [Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob] died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. … But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.” (Hebrews 11:13-16)

I am waiting for a Home that is to come. I am living in expectancy of it – so then why am I so frustrated when life doesn’t seem to work out the way I was planning? (i.e. – going on bed rest the same day we moved into our new house) This is not the season to be totally settled and completely at “home.” Similarly to bed rest. If I thought this was how my life would be indefinitely, each day would be much harder (and I do have great compassion for those who are bedridden without an end in sight – my heart goes out to you!). But I know that eventually, these babies will be delivered and I will be “delivered” from bed rest. I am not completely settled with my life right now that mainly consists of sleeping, reading, blogging and emailing, eating, hosting visitors, with frequent bathroom breaks. I want to be out of this recliner and active. Especially on such a beautiful beach-worthy Saturday as today. Yet I digress …

The point is that viewing this particular season as temporary and without knowing when it will end (but being assured that it WILL) gives meaning and purpose and urgency to each day. How much more so if I viewed all of my life as that – temporary, with a definite end yet unknown to me, and true Home ahead of me? How much more purposefully would I live? I hope to keep this lesson from this season of expectancy with me all of my life … thus preparing me better for the Life that is to come.

Trusting God When You’re Expecting, part 4: body image

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 3 Comments


I found this picture on a miscellaneous website. I am not one for the bare belly shots myself, but I know each pregnant woman has a different opinion about that. It seems that for some, pregnancy is a time to embrace all the new curves and to feel proud that it shows you’re carrying a life. I suspect that for many others of us, pregnancy is a time when there is more unwanted attention to our bodies than we’re used to or would desire. And it feels like our bodies are really out of our control as well. Although the weight gain is purposeful (and needed!), it’s still hard to feel yourself getting larger by the week – and dramatically so by each month. Double all of that if you’re having twins.

What I find interesting about being pregnant is that the typical “taboos” that apply about commenting on a woman’s body weight seem to fly out the window, particularly for random strangers and (sorry to apply a stereotype) men in general. A few of the comments I’ve heard during pregnancy are:

“Wow … you’re just so … BIG!”

“You’re going to be ENORMOUS by the time these babies come.”

“Well, you’ve really gotten bigger since I last saw you.”

And I could go on, but you get the picture. No woman, even if pregnant, wants to hear someone connect the word “big” or any of its synonyms with her body. As someone who has always been on the thinner side of things (I can take no credit – all genetics – thanks, Mom!), it came as shock to hear these comments and then to notice the way I responded to these comments inside. I would get angry, frustrated, and feel resentful.

I realized that my identity was more wrapped up in my body image than I had previously thought. It was exposed by pregnancy. And as I processed through my thoughts and feelings in response to others’ comments, I realized I was giving them more power than I should. I noticed that my self-concept would rise and fall depending on whether I encountered the store clerk who said, “No way! You don’t look big enough to be carrying twins!” or the one who said, “You look much bigger than 15 weeks along!” Why were their comments so powerful? Because I was defining myself by my body image. I was internalizing the belief that my worth was equal to whether or not someone else perceived me as “big.” This is certainly quite different from where my true identity lies as a woman created in God’s image and redeemed by Christ (I taught on that in January through our Ephesians study, ironically enough).

When I began to meditate on who I really am – what is most true about me – others’ comments began to have much less effect on me. This also freed me from the inward judging and resentment I felt towards others because of what they said. I could laugh it off and let the comments “bounce off me” instead of letting them set the tone for my day.

Now I won’t say that it wasn’t still a struggle to go to Virginia Beach during the height of tourist season as the only pregnant woman for miles … but at least I began struggling against the lies instead of simply accepting them. And, hey, one benefit of bed rest is that there is much less opportunity for strangers’ comments about my ever-expanding belly!

Bed rest doesn’t guarantee spiritual rest …

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 1 Comment

Strangely enough, that’s one thing that I’m learning now that I’m at home and on bed rest “for the duration.” We hope it’s several more weeks so that these girls can fully develop, and yet I’ve noticed that there is still the pull away from true soul rest. I could spend each day engaged in lots of activity that would leave my soul more tired instead of more rested. There’s the almost infinite pull of the internet — blogs to read, online shopping, news websites, youtube videos … and none of these are bad in and of themselves, but I could quite easily spend an entire day doing just that. And not to mention wearing out my eyesight, it could be a bit of a soul-depletion rather than rest. Then there’s the endless TV shows and movies to watch. And magazines and newspapers to read. And “preparing for twins” books to read. Not to mention trying to plan the nursery and think through what’s needed for our new home (and then ask others to do what I am limited to do by bed rest).

Ironically, rest is a topic that I’ve read a lot about and longed for in the past few years of busyness. The kind of rest Jesus invites us into when he says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28) The rest spoken of by the Psalmist in Psalm 116:7 – “Return, oh my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.” And so it seems that all the study and teaching on rest now has the opportunity to be fully experienced.

Yet I must still be intentional to rest. To remember that it is more important for me to communicate with my Father in prayer than to promptly answer every phone call and email. To allow my soul rest by soaking in God’s Word daily instead of exclusively devouring entertainment literature. To not have to fill each moment with “noise” but to allow my soul to rest and be restored in these moments of silence and solitude. To take time to reflect and capture the unique lessons of this season in writing instead of wishing the days and hours away.

This is not to say that any of those other activities are bad in & of themselves, but I must remember “everything in its season.” And I don’t want to miss the truly important things Jesus has for me to learn during this season. It’s kind of like boot camp preparation for being a mom to twins. I will certainly wish I had soaked up each moment to rest as I look back on this season (perhaps even wistfully) on the other side of the twins’ birth.

For those of you who have been on bed rest, what helped you to cultivate soul rest?

Trusting God when you’re expecting, part 2: what to do about fear

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 5 Comments

It’s 6:15 am and I’m awake. These baby girls’ kicking awoke me this morning. They’re active in the morning (unlike their mom, generally speaking). I am glad that they’re getting some exercise … but wow, has their movement kicked up a notch over the last week (pun intended)! Seth was finally able to feel their movement last Thursday, which is fun to have him join in the excitement of the ever-dawning reality of two lives being knit together inside me.

The next two topics I want to address in my “trusting God when you’re expecting” series are fears/anxieties and body image. And which one do I begin with? I think I’ll go with the fear/anxiety topic first because I feel as if that’s such a huge place to learn to trust God while pregnant. Soon after finding out we were pregnant, I wrote this: “I think this pregnancy journey will certainly reveal the fear factory my heart often can be: there are truly an almost infinite number of things to worry about, over which I have virtually no control.” If the last post focused on how my heart is a desire factory, this one is about how my heart is also quite expert at producing fear, too. Pregnancy only magnifies this!

I have noticed that I have moved through different stages of fear along the journey of this pregnancy so far. Initially, there was the fear of losing the baby through miscarriage. I have had several friends who have walked through this grief, and I would imagine there are many more who have experienced this yet have not shared the grief with me or others. It’s such a private pain, really. I experienced some unsettling symptoms early on in our pregnancy that led us to think that I might be miscarrying. It was terrifying and dreadful as we waited for our first doctor’s appointment. The wait seemed to be forever – and then to finally be there and anticipate bad news … there just is no way to prepare yourself for that.

Here’s an entry from my journal early during those weeks of waiting:

“Lord, I do not want to be consumed by worry over what I cannot control anyway! So I’m officially crying out to you for help in a big way today. Make this refrain of Psalm 136 mine as well: “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.”

“…to him who led his people through the wilderness for his steadfast love endures forever;

It is he who remembered us in our low estate, For his steadfast love endures forever;

And rescued us from our foes [fear], For his steadfast love endures forever.”

Help me in my unbelief – in my insatiable desire to control the uncontrollable [having a miscarriage] and to know the unknowable [whether this baby is healthy].”

That’s the thing with anxiety: it is my attempt to control what I cannot control – and in fact, what is not mine to control. My role was to actively trust God, come what may. Easy to say when looking in the “rear-view mirror” of life but it feels impossible when you’re in the midst of the dark valley of death’s shadow. I remember repeating over and over again the words of Psalm 23 and Psalm 139, seeking to meditate on these truths of my Shepherd and entrust these little lives into His care. Practically, I also restricted myself from searching on the internet for more information, as this only served to increase my fear and anxiety at all of the “what ifs” out there.

As the fear of miscarriage faded a bit with each week, it was replaced with the fear of “how in the world will I take care of TWO babies?” This is an anxiety that I am still working through. It certainly comes in waves. For example, I remember the day I went grocery shopping and noticed how cute a mom and her baby were. Immediately following this was the realization that grocery carts don’t have space for TWO infants! And my “natural” fear/thought progression led me to the conclusion that I would never be able to even venture out to buy groceries by myself after the twins’ birth. (twin friends, please leave me in blissful ignorance if that is, in fact, true) I fear the loss of my independence.

Other fears that I experienced especially during the first trimester included fears of whether I was eating enough and the right kinds of food to nourish the babies, whether I was unknowingly exposing them to harmful toxins (did using my aerosol hairspray once or twice damage them? What about the day they were refinishing the floors at my workplace and I smelled the fumes for a few hours?), even how my fears and anxiety might have a negative impact on their growth and development.

More than any pregnancy book I turned to for answers (and there were a lot – a book review post will be coming at some point in time), reading this book on anxiety, Calm My Anxious Heart (by Linda Dillow), and hearing sermons on the book of Hebrews about the faithfulness of God reminded me of God’s care and provision. The God who created the universe is intricately involved in my life, speaking to my fears and reassuring me with His presence – in fact, inviting me into His presence. And I have many friends who helped to demonstrate this truth to me through their prayers and encouraging words and presence with me.

Where does fear show up currently? As I approach the end of my second trimester (23 weeks along … just a couple more weeks until trimester #3), I have (naturally) begun worrying about whether I’ll go into premature labor. This fear is certainly grounded in the risks associated with twin pregnancy, as they are much more likely to arrive earlier than their due date, but I find myself again in the realm of needing to actively trust in a God who knows when these babies will be born. This doesn’t mean that I throw caution to the wind. In fact, I have stopped exercising vigorously and I am more tuned in to resting when I’m tired (novel concept for me) and seeking to continue to eat well. Yet beyond that, the details of when these babies will arrive is really out of my hands.

A few years ago at a baby shower, a woman in my church who was pregnant with her fourth child at the time told me that pregnancy was the best opportunity she had been given to learn how to surrender completely to God because every aspect of pregnancy, labor, and delivery is really out of your control. That has stuck with me, and I pray that I will continue to grow in trust – rather than fear – throughout the remaining weeks of this pregnancy.

Are there more fears? Of course … this post just began to scratch the surface. So you’ll have to buy my book one day to read more!

trusting God when you’re expecting, part 1: using pregnancy as an excuse to be self-indulgent

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 6 Comments

One of the popular pregnancy books is the “What To Expect” series. I’ve read bits and pieces of a few of them and they are helpful enough, but one of my desires in pregnancy is to find a book that addresses the spiritual side of pregnancy . I want a book that highlights both the unique joys and struggles of this season, and points readers to the hope of the gospel and the truth of God’s promises to encourage them during this unique time. I haven’t found it yet. So I think I just might write it, and I would call it “Trusting God When You’re Expecting.” Read along for the first installment that I write … the first of many, I hope.

How can I believe Christ more than I believe some of the lies the “culture of pregnancy” in America would tell me? First of all, I can’t fall prey to the temptation to use pregnancy as an excuse to indulge unduly. Everyone says, “you’re pregnant – so you should have what you want!” It’s a little similar to the “bride-zilla” phenomena engaged women planning a wedding face – suddenly this new stage of life becomes an excuse to act how you want and get whatever you want because “you’re the bride,” or in my case, “you’re pregnant.” And I do think this can be heightened because, “I’m pregnant with TWINS.”

It’s easy for me to put a guilt trip on Seth and use pregnancy as a reason to be waited on hand and foot. [quick aside: while I was sick with a really bad cold/cough for two weeks and when I was experiencing some complications at the beginning of our pregnancy, it was necessary for me to lay low and for Seth to do much more than usual … but I’ve had to be careful not to take advantage of that now that I am physically better] Just last week, when Seth took the last serving of a meal, I said (with a bit of humor, granted), “You’re stealing food from the babies!” (because I had wanted another helping, too) Now that’s just not fair if I really began to think like that for everything!

It’s also easy to use the “pregnancy hormones” as an excuse to act demanding, critical, or even plain ole mean. Again, Seth usually gets the brunt of this behavior. There are days when I have felt emotionally “off” but these days should make me more dependent on God, more prayerful as I ask for sufficient grace, and more careful with my words and attitudes than other days. I am convinced that the Spirit’s power at work in me is greater than pregnancy hormones (if it worked to raise Jesus from the dead, I don’t think the Spirit can be limited by hormonal changes).

I’ve noticed that pregnancy enhances my natural bent to want to be self-indulgent, too. “Because I’m pregnant” can easily become an excuse to spend more than I should on clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc … all the “vain things that charm me most.” I would love to use pregnancy as an excuse for monthly manicures and pedicures. And let’s add massages to the list, while I’m at it. And why not buy the dream car I’ve always wanted? We’ll need it for the twins’ arrival, after all. (and, no, it’s not a mini-van but an SUV) Desires can easily take me over.

So what do I need to remember to battle these pregnancy-shaped temptations? That God, as before and as always, has given me everything I need for life and godliness [not self-indulgence]. That God will give me grace that’s abundant for my situation so that I can love Him and others better. That no temptation is too great for me to bear and God will always provide a way of escape. And, most importantly of all, that I can’t do this on my own! I will fail and I will succomb to these temptations, but I have a Savior who died even for that and who lives now to give me life and hope and daily grace. I won’t do any of this perfectly, and I don’t have to, because Jesus has already lived the perfect life for me and intercedes for me as my eternal High Priest. He is the one who has fought and overcome each of these temptations for me, and my role is to depend on Him and live in light of that truth and hope of victory.

Worrying or watching?

/ Heather Davis Nelson / 1 Comment

Since I seem to be in a season of reading (v. writing – see this post), you will be the recipient of yet another quote. My mom actually sent this to me. As a perpetual worry-er, I find this such a sweet reminder of the God in whom I trust:

When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your anxieties and problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worrying to watching. You watch God weave His patterns in the story of your life. Instead of trying to be out front, designing your life, you realize you are inside God’s drama. As you wait, you begin to see Him work, and your life begins to sparkle with wonder. You are learning to trust again.

(from Paul Miller’s excellent book on prayer, “A Praying Life“)

So how do I know if I am worrying or watching? I am anxiously trying to manage every detail of my out-of-control life when I am worrying, in contrast to working diligently on what’s set before me today and praying about the details that concern me. And then restfully waiting (watching) to see how God will work out the details that I am tempted to obsess about. [The obsession itself is quite fruitless — as Jesus speaks about in Luke’s gospel: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”]

When I am worrying, I am more concerned about me and less concerned about others. When I am watchful, I am eager to see God write my own story as well as weave together my friends’ stories. Worry shrinks my world to the size of me; being watchful expands my vision in proportion to the world-wide scope of God’s Kingdom. Worry means I am reading the Bible with unbelief and cynicism (if I am reading the Bible at all). When I am watchful with wonder, I read the Bible believing that these words and these stories and these promises are extremely relevant to my life today — and will actually assist me in making sense of the present and trusting God for the future.

And, as Paul Miller highlights in this quote, when I am worrying I am almost never praying. When I am praying, I will be watchful – trusting my Father who is good and faithful to take care of what concerns me.